<< I'm DONE >>
I burst into tears, buried myself under my blanket and started scratching my arms.
No one understands my pain and inner struggles.
No one has ever taken my words seriously. No one has ever seen things from my perspective, as if the professionals know myself better than me.
My emotions are not respected. I’m rejected as a whole person.
Pain is the most reliable and controllable thing on earth. It’s my most honest buddy. I feel secure and relieved. It’s addictive but I just can’t help as it’s so intense that I need an immediate outlet.
Excessive guilt and self-hatred is the after warmth. I shouldn’t have done that, though I strongly believe that I deserve it. Yes, sad to admit, it’s back again. Shame on you!
The struggles in my mind are getting more and more vigorous and complicated, instead of just torn between to live or to die. Multiple voices are driving me totally crazy! Stop arguing with yourself, I beg you.
My brain is losing control at full speed, but I can do nothing to help. I don’t even have the energy and motivation to yell for God’s help.
I’ve just realized that I’m typing in English again, just as every time when I couldn’t face the naked me in the past. I just want to keep a distance from this vulnerable ‘me’.
I don’t really know what I’m doing every day. I’m living in a hollow shell with the soul being stolen away. I despise myself for entertaining people around me by putting on a fake smile. I’m forced to ‘survive’, but I can hardly start ‘living’.
What’s the point of taking tranquillizers to put myself to sleep and open my eyes again, having to face another aimless day filled with endless pain and struggles? The world is too cruel for me to face alone.
Perhaps, I’m never wanted. What if, I quit?
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